Sometimes you are not included in these intentions.
“What are your hidden motives?” My colleague looked sceptically at me after I offered to take on an unpopular job task. My first reaction was irritation and disappointment. I wanted to contribute and was met with suspicion! I thought she was just projecting her egocentric thoughts onto me. She had on several previous occasions reacted in a similar way, which fueled my judgments.
My habitual automatic reaction was filled with judgmental thoughts about her. Before I continued to engage in my analysis of her flaws and shortcomings, a thought I’d been cultivating for a while popped up in my head: “All people have good intentions”. Instead of believing my initial judgments I wanted to examine the needs behind her words.
In this blog post, I will explore the content of this expression. What’s on my mind when I remind myself that “all people have good intentions”? I will try to clarify how this thought helps me deepen my understanding of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). I hope that you who read this will be inspired and examine how this concept might influence the way you relate to people.
Connection
When I learned NVC, it was liberating to understand that all human actions are attempts to fulfil needs. Instead of labelling people who do things that don’t meet my needs, I could examine what needs they were trying to meet through their actions. When I was in touch with people’s needs – rather than my judgments – it was much easier to experience connection.
If I label someone as an idiot, my wish is to try to change the person, maybe by telling them what an idiot they are. By informing them of their shortcomings, I give them a chance to change. This strategy rarely works. In the few cases it “worked”, I managed to scare or guilt-trip the person enough that they changed what they were doing to avoid my judgments. Regardless of how the person reacts to my attempts to change them, the connection between us will suffer.
However, if I try to get in touch with the reason why the person acted the way they did, I will get in touch with the person’s needs. Even if I don’t like what the person is doing and I never would do anything like that myself, I share the same needs. It is much easier for me to be in connection with someone who has the same needs as me than with an idiot.
The driving force of people
The founder of NVC, Marshall Rosenberg, wrote in the booklet “Being Me, Loving You”:
“The first thing to do when we start to get angry or defensive is to recognize that we didn’t hear the other person.”
I interpret this quote as when we make judgments about others, we are not in touch with either our own or others’ needs. We are trapped in our judgments and thus disconnected from what is alive in both of us. Judgments are static while the flow of life is dynamic and in constant change. When we believe our judgments, it is a sign that we have lost touch with the life force within us.
Something that has helped me lately is trying to understand the driving forces of people – both individuals and groups. I am convinced that one of the basic assumptions of NVC, saying that “behind all actions, there is an attempt to fulfil needs”, is accurate. The logical thing then is that when people do things we judge, it is not the actions themselves that are the driving force. The driving force is the needs – the person performs the actions to try to fulfil their needs.
The strategies a person uses are attempts to fulfil the needs of himself or the group they identify with. At the same time, when using these strategies, the needs of other people might not be taken into account. I hypothesise that the purpose behind actions we label as, for example, evil is not to cause destruction and suffering but to contribute to the needs of certain people at the expense of other people’s needs.
Strategies and judgments
When I consider other people’s actions having in mind that everything people do aims at satisfying needs, I often notice that I still can get stuck in judgments. Even when I sense the needs behind different actions, such as actions that cause suffering, I tend to think that such strategies suck. My mind then concludes that the person who initiated the action also sucks.
I don’t really mind labelling certain actions as very poor strategies to satisfy needs. Sometimes I have noticed that when I talk to people who do not engage in NVC, my reluctance to judge certain actions as wrong or bad creates distance and disconnection. The idea that there are no rights and wrongs becomes too challenging for most people when lives and well-being are threatened.
Good intentions
Lately, a challenging step for me has been to try to go deeper than the idea that some strategies suck in trying to meet needs. I do not believe that there are evil people who want to cause destruction and suffering in the world. When people act to fulfil their needs, I believe they want to contribute to something good. In other words, I believe that all people have good intentions in whatever they do.
Sometimes when people act based on their good intentions, suffering occurs. It is when the circle of people who are covered by their good intentions is smaller than the number of people affected by the actions. When we act out of the consciousness of “us” and “them”, this often seems to be the result.
An example is a war situation. I don’t think the original intention of the initiators in any armed conflict is to cause suffering and death. I believe they want to protect and create security for their group. The best strategy they have come up with to accomplish this is to use violence against other people they consider a threat to safety. In other words, they try to meet the needs of some people at the expense of the needs of others.
The idea that all people have good intentions helps me get in touch with the needs of people who act contrary to my values. This does not mean that all actions are equal. Nor does it mean that we should behave passively in the face of harmful actions. Sometimes we may have to try to stop actions that harm or risk harming people or other values we cherish. And by doing this, our good intentions are probably causing suffering to others.
Challenges
I realise that what I have written can be criticised from many angles. I am a privileged person, both in time and space. I live in Sweden and enjoy a material standard as well as freedoms and rights that a very small part of humanity has ever experienced. The difficulties and challenges I face in my life could easily be described as luxury problems.
It is one thing to reflect and write on something in a comfortable chair, far away from any hostile conflicts. It’s quite another challenge to transform ideas of “good intentions” into practical action in the heat of the moment. If I were involved in or witnessed situations where people get hurt, the idea that all people have good intentions probably wouldn’t be the first thing that popped into my head.
My intention is not to describe an ideal state we all should strive for. Rather, I intend to offer a perspective that can inspire a greater understanding of people and their actions. I do not think most of us can free ourselves from our moralistic judgments; that may even not be entirely desirable. However, we can consider our judgments as information about what is important to us rather than as truth that everyone should agree with.
Reflections
Do you think that the concept of “good intentions” can support you in connecting with others? Or maybe you think this concept stands in the way of bringing desirable changes in the world? Consider whether the thoughts in this blog post can contribute to you in any way. Or perhaps you have other ideas about how the connection between people can be deepened?
Reflecting on people’s good intentions has supported me greatly lately. In the case of my colleague, as I described at the beginning of this blog post, the result was the following. In this situation, I chose not to raise the issue with her. I guessed that what is important to her is transparency and honesty. These needs expressed themselves in the words: “What are your hidden motives?”. I think she wants to be able to trust my intentions in relation to her.
If this was a person close to me, I would probably have chosen to raise the issue with her. In this case, I wanted to take care of my own need for easiness and save my energy for things I prioritize more. The next time she says something similar, maybe the judgment “egoist” will pop into my head, but almost as quickly I will see a person who longs for trust and honesty. I believe she has good intentions.
Further inquiry
If you would like to dive into this topic, I would like to suggest that you attend my free workshop during “Time for Empathy” (it will be announced in the coming days, but you can already register for the whole event HERE).
If you want tips on other NVC-related events, coming blog posts and other NVC content I suggest you subscribe to Empathic Way Europe’s newsletter.
Author: Joachim Berggren
Joachim Berggren is a certified CNVC trainer. He has been a student of NVC since 2009 and has taught his understanding of NVC since 2010. He writes blog posts, offers workshops and hosts events about NVC, as well as offering individual sessions. He is passionate and intrigued about exploring human connection and our capacity to grow and evolve as individuals and groups during our lifetime.