“Feedback loops are essential for any individual and group to function at full capacity and potential. Knowing how our actions affect others and the larger whole of which we are a part can support us in learning when and how to change course to contribute to others around us.”
Miki Kashtan
Today I would like to invite you to reflect on the precious gift we can give each other in both personal and professional aspects of our lives, which is feedback.
How do you react to me mentioning it? What are your thoughts and experiences on giving and receiving feedback at work, school or university, and among your friends or family? Depending on those experiences our reactions to feedback may be filled with openness and curiosity or with resentment and even pain.
Supporting leaders, teams and individual clients, oftentimes I hear about feedback being used as a kind of punishment or criticism in their organizations. Sometimes I hear about the longing for more transparency, clarity or fairness while receiving feedback from their leaders or peers.
I regret we are losing those opportunities to connect and to mutually support each other and our communities in learning. I believe feedback is the most powerful and essential tool that nurtures our collaboration based on trust and our individual and collective growth. We need it to make organizational and social change happen.
What is feedback?
And what feedback actually is? I like the definition of Tamra Chandler who co-authored the book “Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)” and who dreams about redeeming feedback:
“Feedback is clear and specific information that’s sought or extended with the sole intention of helping individuals improve, grow, or advance.”
To make feedback that feeds forward the receiver (and maybe the giver too), it needs to be expressed with tangible observations as it minimizes the risk of defensiveness. However, what makes it a precious gift, is in my opinion the intention with which it is offered. If the intention is to support in learning and growing the other person or myself if I am the seeker, then we can name it feedback. If it is to express my pain or my disagreement, it becomes what we call in NVC honest expression. In my experience, by mixing feedback with honest expression, we are risking confusion and misunderstandings. To be clear, I don’t want to say that honest expression is not a precious gift. I believe it is. And at the same time, when we are not aware of the intention with which we want to express, and we say that we are to give feedback and actually what we really long for is to be heard and seen with our pain, we may make it difficult for the receiver to appreciate that gift.
W.A.I.T.
So the first thing I want to remember before I “open my mouth” is to W.A.I.T. – to connect to my WHY and answer this “simple and not easy” question: Why Am I Talking? Do I want to express myself and to be heard or do I want to contribute to the learning of the other person? My intention is my inner compass I use to orient myself. Then, the steps I would follow are the 4 differentiations that support me to connect and to clarify:
- observations versus interpretations
- feelings versus thoughts
- needs versus strategies
- and requests versus demands
For example, imagine two colleagues at work who have a common project, let’s call them Kate and John. Kate was supposed to call the client and define some details of the webpage they are creating for them. Kate forgot to do it and John said “I can never count on you. Everything is on me.” Kate replied: “It’s not true! You are overreacting.” Then she heard from John: “You see, you don’t know how to receive feedback.”
What happened here? John was not aware WHY he was saying “I can never count on you. Everything is on me.” His deep intention was to be heard with his disappointment and his need for predictability and support. He wanted to express himself honestly, not to contribute to the learning of Kate as his core intention. The other thing is that he expressed himself with evaluations of Kate that made it more difficult for her to receive it.
Power dynamics
Coming back to feedback, there is one more aspect of it I want to mention here. It is the power dynamics it is embedded in or we “were” embedded in. If we really want to contribute to the learning of the other person, it may be easier for them to enjoy it, when they are invited to “power with” space.
We can do it by:
- Asking for consent – checking the readiness of the other person to receive feedback.
- Inviting them to self-reflect first.
- Receiving their reaction to the feedback with empathy.
While giving the space for the other person to decide when they want to receive feedback, to have some time for reflection and also to be received with openness and curiosity, we can build trust and psychological safety. Those two make it possible and easier for us to learn and to take responsibility and ownership for the impact of our actions instead of defending ourselves through blaming and shaming. Thanks to such feedback we can shift into a partnership paradigm that can nurture our teams, organizations, communities and the whole world.
I hope the attached graphic can serve as some support while you are preparing yourself to offer a precious gift to someone in the form of feedback.
Warmly,
Paulina
P.S. If you would like to learn more about the implementation of NVC in organizations and also other aspects of empathy in our professional lives, you can purchase access to the recordings of my 11 webinars “Empathic Way in Organizations”. You can also order an individual session with me.
About the author:
Paulina Orbitowska-Fernandez
CNVC Certified Trainer, Coach, eduScrum Trainer, an academic teacher
I am an NVC trainer supporting families, schools, business and organizations, through workshops, lectures or individually. The way we communicate has an impact on our personal and professional relations. I support people in leveraging the quality of them so they can enjoy more honesty and empathy. I also facilitate systemic transformation through Nonviolent Communication, neurobiology, and 3d-mapping inspired by and following the teachings of Sarah Peyton being in a constant awe how much healing her work brings. The first time I heard the words of Marshall Rosenberg “Connect before correct” I imagined how the world would look like if we could remember them more often. What I do is rooted in that dream. I have finished postgraduate studies in Leadership in Education, Nonviolent Communication according to Marshall Rosenberg and Train the Trainer of Nonviolent Communication studies, at Collegium Civitas in Warsaw, Poland. I have also finished Business and Life Coaching at the School of Empathic Trainers in Warsaw. I am a mother of a teenage boy who is my source of love and wisdom.