Reading the assumption “the needs of every person are equally important and can at least be taken into consideration” touches different parts of me.
Sometimes I read it from the perspective of someone with less influence – for example, as an employee, a patient meeting a healthcare professional, or simply someone who is less able to influence what happens. In those moments, it fuels my sense of justice. “You shall not think that you are better than me. My needs matter just as much as yours!”
At other times, I notice a more privileged part of me becoming defensive. “I’ve worked hard to get where I am. Doesn’t that count for something?”
Fortunately – at least that’s my sincere hope – most of the time I can meet this assumption with a sense of ease rather than reactivity. It reminds me that, beneath our different roles, backgrounds, and life circumstances, we are all part of the same human web. Our lives are deeply interconnected. I want to live in, and contribute to creating, a society where every person’s needs are acknowledged and taken into consideration. I don’t expect us to reach that ideal perfectly, but I do believe we can keep moving towards it, one interaction and one decision at a time.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers a powerful way to understand ourselves and others. For many, it’s a profound shift – helping us see what’s behind our reactions and opening the door to more honest, compassionate connection. At the same time, no model can capture the full complexity of being human.
In this blog series, I want to gently explore some key NVC ideas – not to challenge them, but to expand them by placing them in a wider context that includes how we grow and develop, how our brains and bodies function, how culture shapes us, and how the systems we live in influence our choices. My intention is to keep the heart of NVC intact while adding a bit more depth and perspective.
The NVC approach
In NVC, this assumption points to a fundamental understanding of human beings:
Behind every action, every opinion, and every conflict, there are needs that matter.
Needs are universal. They are part of what connects us as human beings. Your need for respect, belonging, safety, freedom, or contribution is not more or less important than mine. The fact that we have different experiences, backgrounds, or roles does not change the fundamental value of our needs.
This does not mean that every action has the same impact or that every strategy will work equally well in a given situation. NVC makes an important distinction between needs and strategies. A person’s need deserves care and attention. The particular strategy they choose to meet that need may or may not be the strategy that works best in a given situation.
When we listen for needs, something changes. Instead of seeing people as obstacles, opponents, or problems to solve, we begin to see the humanity behind their words and actions. In situations where needs seem to be in conflict, NVC invites us to slow down, connect with what matters to everyone involved, and search for solutions that take everyone’s needs into consideration.
The intention is not to find out whose needs are more important. The intention is to create connection and mutual understanding, so that we can move forward together.
When an invitation becomes a rule
One challenge I have come across in different NVC spaces, gatherings, and communities is that we as NVC practitioners (myself included) sometimes turn this beautiful assumption into a rule:
- Everyone shall be heard.
- Everyone’s needs shall be cared for.
- No one’s needs shall remain unmet.
There is something deeply caring in this intention. It comes from a desire to include everyone, avoid domination, and create spaces where people experience dignity and belonging.
And this is not awkward or strange. Many of us entering NVC come from circumstances in which our needs have been neglected, dismissed, or misunderstood. In NVC, we discover a radically different way of relating to ourselves and others. Experiencing that our needs matter can be deeply transformative. It can bring relief, a stronger connection with ourselves, and a new way of relating to others.
After having lived in environments where some needs were prioritised and others ignored, it is natural that we want to create spaces where everyone matters. And in many situations, especially in a one-to-one interaction, this approach can indeed be transformative. When one person listens deeply to another person’s needs, something often shifts. Connection grows. Defensiveness softens. New possibilities become visible.
The challenge is that complexity increases as more people become involved. In groups of five, twenty, or hundreds of people, it becomes increasingly difficult to create solutions in which every need is equally satisfied. Different needs may point in different directions. Time, resources, responsibilities, and practical limitations enter the picture.
And, actually, this challenge exists even within ourselves. Most of us know the experience of having different parts within us, each with its own needs and desires. One part wants rest, another wants adventure. One part wants security, another wants freedom. One part wants to speak up, another wants to avoid conflict. Even within a single person, we do not always find a solution in which every part is completely satisfied.
The hidden hierarchy of equality
Let’s use decision-making as an example. Imagine a group of people practising NVC. There is no designated leader or facilitator. Everyone meets as equals, with a shared intention to care for everyone’s needs. Each person brings a unique life experience. Some are still discovering that their own needs matter and are practising speaking up. Others are learning to widen their perspective by taking others’ needs into consideration. Some find it easy to speak up in a bigger group, whereas others are more hesitant. Some are relatively new to NVC, while others have practised for many years.
Now imagine that the group needs to make a decision. Perhaps they are deciding how to spend their common financial resources. Or where to hold their next gathering. Or whether to continue with a project that some members find inspiring while others find exhausting. Everyone sincerely wants to honour everyone’s needs. Yet dilemmas begin to emerge.
- Someone has spoken several times already, while another person is still trying to find the courage to speak once.
- One participant is content to let go of their preferred strategy, while another continues searching for a solution that works better for them.
- The group keeps exploring new possibilities, while the available time slowly disappears.
- Some participants become energised by the dialogue, while others become increasingly tired or overwhelmed.
- A decision that could serve the whole group is postponed because one person still longs for more recognition of what matters to them.
- Those who are most comfortable with uncertainty stay in the conversation the longest, while others quietly withdraw.
Without anyone intending it, another kind of hierarchy may begin to emerge – not based on formal authority, but on persistence, energy, communication skills, available time, or willingness to remain in the discussion. Ironically, a process intended to create equality may end up rewarding the person who is most stubborn about their perspective.
Equal worth does not mean equal capacity
Perhaps one of the challenges is that we sometimes confuse two different ideas:
The needs of every person are equally important.
and
All people are equal in every capacity, ability, experience, or perspective.
These are not the same.
Every person’s needs deserve the same fundamental respect and care. Every person has equal human dignity. At the same time, human beings differ in many ways.
Someone who has spent decades practising the violin is likely to create a different musical experience than someone who started learning last year. This does not mean that the experienced violinist is a more valuable human being. It simply means that they have developed a greater capacity in this specific area. Capacity is contextual. Someone may have developed great skill in one area and have much less experience in another.
The same applies to many other human abilities. Some people have developed a greater capacity for listening deeply. Some have more experience navigating conflicts. Some have a richer vocabulary for expressing feelings and needs. Some have more experience facilitating groups or holding multiple perspectives simultaneously.
Within NVC communities, we sometimes forget that NVC itself involves skills that develop over time. The ability to recognise needs, stay connected when triggered, empathise with perspectives different from our own, or support others in conflict are capacities that can grow through practice. Acknowledging differences in capacity does not mean creating a hierarchy of human worth. It means recognising reality.
From an Integral perspective, this distinction is essential. If we mainly focus on what is happening inside individuals – their feelings, needs, and experiences – we may miss other important dimensions of reality. The Needs Quadrant reminds us that every situation has individual, relational, collective, and systemic dimensions.
A group is not only a collection of individuals trying to understand one another. It is also a system with purposes, structures, roles, resources, and practical limitations. Ignoring these dimensions can create an imbalance of its own. It can become similar to the person who only focuses on their own needs and forgets that other realities exist.
The invitation is to hold a bigger picture:
- What is alive in people?
- What relationships are we creating?
- What does the situation require?
- What structures support the purpose we are trying to serve?
Some practical reflections for groups
A useful starting point is to ask:
What is the purpose of this group?
Different groups need different approaches.
A social gathering may have connection and enjoyment as its primary purpose. In that context, taking time to explore everyone’s experience may be exactly what creates the richness we are looking for.
A decision-making group has another purpose. Here, it may be important to combine care and inclusion with clarity, responsibility, and the ability to move forward.
An NVC practice group has yet another purpose. It may be valuable to slow down, explore nuances, and practise empathy – even if that would not serve the purpose of another type of group.
Many frustrations come from unconsciously applying the process of one type of group in another setting.
Some practical questions that can help:
1. What kind of space are we creating?
Are we here to connect, learn, make a decision, solve a problem, or create something together? Naming the purpose can prevent confusion.
2. What kind of process serves this purpose?
A community-building conversation may benefit from open exploration. A decision-making process may need clear roles, time boundaries, and agreed ways of reaching a conclusion. A learning space may need someone with more experience to offer guidance.
3. How do we include voices without making every decision dependent on complete agreement?
Being heard matters. Understanding matters. But sometimes inclusion means that someone’s perspective has influenced the decision – not that the final decision exactly matches their preference.
4. Make hidden power visible
Every group has influence dynamics. They may arise from formal or informal roles, experience, communication skills, confidence, available time, or persistence.
Instead of pretending these dynamics do not exist, bring them into the conversation. Ask:
“Which forms of influence are shaping this process?”
and
“Are they serving the purpose of the group?”
Holding both care and complexity
The invitation, then, is not to move away from care and inclusion, but to continue developing our understanding of what it means that everyone’s needs matter.
Throughout this article, I have used decision-making in groups as an example. The same questions arise in many other areas of life: in our families, workplaces, friendships, organisations, and even within ourselves when different needs seem to pull us in different directions.
Honouring needs does not necessarily mean that every need can be met, that every perspective has equal influence in every situation, or that every decision must emerge from complete agreement.
Rather, it invites us to cultivate something deeper: the capacity to hold both care and complexity.
For me, this is where an Integral perspective enriches NVC. Needs awareness remains the foundation, but it is complemented by an awareness of perspectives, relationships, systems, roles, and developmental capacities. Together, these perspectives help us navigate complexity without losing sight of our shared humanity.
Perhaps the question is not:
“How can we make sure that all needs are fulfilled?”
Perhaps a deeper question is:
“How can we honour all needs while still making choices, taking responsibility, and moving forward?”
I don’t believe there is a final answer to that question. Every situation is unique, and every context invites a different response.
What I do believe is that the more we can hold both compassion and clarity, equality and diversity, inclusion and responsibility, the more capacity we develop to create relationships, groups, and societies where no one becomes invisible – and where every person’s needs can truly be taken into consideration.
If you’re interested in exploring NVC through a broader, more integrative lens, you’re very welcome to join the Needs Space platform or read more about it here.
Author:
Joachim Berggren
Joachim Berggren is a certified CNVC trainer. He has been a student of NVC since 2009 and has taught his understanding of NVC since 2010. He writes blog posts, offers workshops and hosts events about NVC, as well as offering individual sessions. He is passionate about and intrigued by exploring human connection and our capacity to grow and evolve as individuals and groups throughout our lifetimes.