When one perspective limits what we see
I first came across Nonviolent Communication more than twenty years ago. At the time, I found a way of understanding human beings, both others and myself, that made a lot of sense to me. Instead of dividing people and actions into right and wrong, NVC invited me to look for the needs behind people’s actions. Instead of trying to decide who was to blame in a conflict, I could become curious about what mattered to everyone involved.
NVC Paradoxes is a blog post series exploring ideas and assumptions that appear in NVC theory and culture. Through an Integral NVC (I-NVC) lens, we explore what these perspectives bring into focus, what they may leave out of view, and what we might see when we widen the lens.
Over the years, NVC has become an important part of both my personal and professional life. I have studied it, practised it, shared it and struggled with it. I became a CNVC-certified trainer and have participated in and organised countless workshops, practice groups, festivals and International Intensive Trainings (IITs). I joined the Empathic Way Europe team and took the initiative to start the Swedish NVC Association and. Some of my closest friends are NVC practitioners, and I am married to a certified trainer. I am, you could say, thoroughly marinated in NVC culture and consciousness.
And the longer I have been part of the NVC community, the more I have also started to notice some paradoxes. We want to move beyond right and wrong, and now and then I hear “That’s not NVC!” We value non-judgment; still I hear “Isn’t that a judgment?” We celebrate diversity, yet we can struggle with people whose values and worldviews differ greatly from our own. We question hierarchy, while hierarchies may still emerge among us in less visible forms.
None of these paradoxes makes me less interested in NVC. Quite the opposite. They make me curious about how we can expand our consciousness to include more of the different – and sometimes contradictory – ways of being human. So, what happens when we apply the curiosity that NVC has taught us to NVC itself?
A different way of seeing
Many societies have developed systems for distinguishing between behaviors that are good and bad, right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. NVC invites us to look at human behavior differently. Rather than asking whether someone is good or bad, we can become curious about the needs they are trying to meet through their actions.
We have also created cultures in which people are expected to do things because they should, because someone in authority tells them to, or because failing to do so may bring punishment, guilt or shame. NVC puts greater emphasis on choice. Instead of asking how we can get people to do what we want, we can look for ways of relating in which people act voluntarily, with awareness of their own needs as well as the needs of others.
In conflict, we tend to look for who is responsible for what went wrong. NVC shifts the focus from blame towards understanding. Feelings become signals pointing towards needs rather than evidence that somebody else has done something wrong. Empathy helps us understand another person’s experience without first deciding whether we agree with them or not.
Many conflicts are framed in terms of scarcity: for one person or group to gain something, it can seem that another person or group must give something up. Conflict then easily becomes a question of competing interests – of who gets what, whose interests take priority, and who has to compromise. NVC offers a different perspective. By separating needs from the strategies we use to meet them, we may discover that what initially appeared incompatible need not be. Two people may be attached to very different solutions,even though their underlying needs may not be in conflict. This can open possibilities for cooperation and creative solutions that are difficult to see when we remain attached to our positions.
Taken together, these and many other shifts offer a different view of human relationships: less focused on judgment, obedience, blame, control, punishment, and rewards, and more focused on needs, choice, understanding, collaboration, empathy, and honesty.
The gifts of NVC
For me, these are some of NVC’s great contributions. They have helped me understand people and conflicts that previously seemed impossible to understand, take greater responsibility for my own reactions, and meet people with more curiosity. I have seen the same shifts make a profound difference for many others.
NVC has also brought many interesting people into my life whom I probably never would have met otherwise, including some of my closest friends and, above all, my lovely wife. Life would certainly have brought other beautiful relationships without NVC, and yet here I am, surrounded by people I cherish and love.
Every solution can become a problem
Every lens we use for seeing brings different aspects into focus. When we focus on something, we tend to lose sight of what is in the periphery. NVC has helped me see limitations in ways of thinking that I previously took for granted. But what if the NVC perspective has limitations of its own? What if some of the ideas that help us move beyond judgment, obedience, blame and control can also make other aspects of human life more difficult to see?
This is, of course, not unique to NVC. From a developmental perspective, new ways of understanding the world often emerge partly in response to limitations in what came before. We discover something that an earlier perspective could not see, and the new perspective may seem to offer the complete solution. And, as we have seen time and again, solutions can create problems of their own.
Moving beyond right and wrong may help us become less judgmental—but can we become judgmental towards people who still think in terms of right and wrong? And are there actually no rights and wrongs? Emphasising choice can free us from guilt and obligation—but can it also make it harder to recognise the value of commitment and duty, or the responsibility that comes with choice? Questioning hierarchy can help us challenge domination—but can it make us reluctant to acknowledge differences in competence, responsibility and leadership? Believing that everyone’s needs matter can transform conflict—but does that mean that every need can always be given equal priority?
Perhaps the question, therefore, is not whether these NVC perspectives are right or wrong. That would, ironically, bring us straight back to the first paradox. The question I am interested in is what the NVC approach helps us see – and what it may make more difficult to see.
Looking from a wider perspective
If every perspective brings some things into focus while leaving others in the periphery, the answer may not be to replace one perspective with another. Instead, we can try to widen the lens and include what different perspectives have to offer.
This is one of the reasons I have become interested in bringing an Integral perspective into NVC. Integral Theory suggests that human beings develop through different ways of making sense of ourselves, other people and the world around us. Later perspectives may become able to see and respond to things that were difficult to see from earlier perspectives. At the same time, development does not make everything seen by earlier perspectives irrelevant.
From this perspective, moving beyond an earlier way of seeing does not necessarily mean rejecting everything it contained. We may be able to embrace non-judgment without losing discernment, choice without losing commitment, equality without denying meaningful hierarchies, and care for everyone’s needs while still recognising the necessity of prioritisation.
From this perspective, moving beyond judgment does not necessarily mean that we need to stop making judgments. Moving beyond hierarchy does not mean that all hierarchies need to disappear. Discovering the importance of choice does not make commitment and expectations meaningless. And recognising that everyone’s needs matter does not remove the necessity of prioritising when needs compete for limited resources.
This is where Integral NVC (I-NVC) becomes interesting to me. Rather than asking which perspective is right, I want to explore what different perspectives help us see. What was NVC responding to? What did it add that was previously missing? What might have moved into the periphery in the process? And what becomes possible if we bring some of those aspects back into view – without losing the gifts NVC has given us?
In other words, going beyond NVC does not have to mean leaving NVC behind.
NVC Paradoxes
In the coming months, and possibly years, I will explore different paradoxes that I have encountered in and around the NVC community. Some are closely connected to NVC principles and assumptions. Others may be common interpretations that have developed among practitioners and communities. Still others may have less to do with NVC itself and more to do with the wider culture surrounding it. Where possible, I will try to distinguish between what NVC actually teaches and what I observe in the culture surrounding it.
I will look at where these ideas may have come from, what problems they helped us address, and what new problems may arise when we hold on to their solutions too tightly. Using an I-NVC lens, I will explore what might become visible when we widen the perspective.
I don’t expect to find definitive answers. In fact, that would somewhat contradict the purpose of the series. My hope is rather to raise questions, challenge some of what we may take for granted, and invite curiosity about our own perspectives and blind spots.
Welcome to NVC Paradoxes.
Want to explore this together?
Expanding the NVC Lens – An introduction to NVC Paradoxes
What happens when we turn the curiosity NVC has taught us towards NVC itself?
In this introductory webinar, we’ll explore some of the paradoxes described in this series and examine what some NVC perspectives bring into focus, what they may leave out of view, and what might become visible when we broaden the lens.
Come with your questions, reflections and disagreements. You don’t need to agree with the questions. Curiosity is enough.
Read more about the webinar here.
If you’re interested in exploring NVC through a broader, more integrative lens, you’re very welcome to join the Needs Space platform or read more about it here.
Author:
Joachim Berggren
Joachim Berggren is a certified CNVC trainer. He has been a student of NVC since 2009 and has taught his understanding of NVC since 2010. He writes blog posts, offers workshops and hosts events about NVC, as well as offering individual sessions. He is passionate about and intrigued by exploring human connection and our capacity to grow and evolve as individuals and groups throughout our lifetimes.