We All Have the Same Needs, but We Choose Different Strategies to Meet Them
Note: This blog post will be updated later today 18 October
I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but sometimes I spend more time playing online games than I’d like. My favourites are Japanese logic puzzles, not Sudoku, but games with names like Tapa, Shingoki and Nurikabe. I tell myself that this isn’t just mindless time-wasting. After all, these games require logical thinking, concentration and problem-solving skills. Playing them might even be good for my brain, keeping my cognitive abilities sharp and helping me develop them further.
And I genuinely enjoy playing. There is something satisfying about solving a difficult puzzle, especially when I’ve struggled with it for a while. But I also recognise that I sometimes spend far more time playing than I intended. Time that I could have spent on other activities that I consider more meaningful or rewarding.
I suspect that my gaming fulfils several needs, perhaps relaxation, stimulation, challenge and a sense of accomplishment. And I imagine there must be other, more sustainable and constructive ways to spend my time. Yet somehow, knowing this doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to close the browser and do something else.
The NVC Approach
A central assumption in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is that we all have the same needs, but we choose different strategies to meet them. We understand needs as something we share as human beings, while the ways we try to fulfil them can vary enormously from person to person.
Many communication models, including those emphasising I-messages, encourage us to take responsibility for our experience by expressing what we feel and what we would like. NVC adds another powerful dimension by connecting our feelings to our underlying needs. Rather than focusing only on what we want, we are invited to explore why it matters to us.
This is where I find NVC particularly valuable. When we focus on what we want, our different strategies can easily become a source of conflict. But when we look beneath those strategies, we may discover needs we recognise in ourselves, even when we strongly disagree about what we want to happen. Needs awareness can help us move beyond our differences and experience a deeper sense of our shared humanity and interconnectedness.
The distinction between needs and strategies can also help when we want to change our own behaviour. If we find ourselves attached to a particular strategy, we can explore which needs it fulfils and look for alternative ways of meeting them. In my case with computer gaming, I might identify relaxation, enjoyment, and stimulation as some of the needs I’m trying to meet. With this awareness, I can explore other activities that meet those same needs while making more time for other things I value.
The Gift and Limitations of NVC
I find NVC to be a powerful model for understanding human beings and our actions. By focusing on universal needs, it offers us a way to make sense of behaviours that might otherwise seem confusing or unreasonable. But like any model, NVC is a simplified map that highlights certain aspects of human behaviour while leaving others out. Human behaviour is shaped by countless interacting processes – biological, psychological, social and environmental – some of which we don’t yet fully understand and many of which we aren’t even aware of.
A map can be extremely useful without showing us everything. In fact, its usefulness often comes from what it leaves out, allowing us to focus on particular aspects of a much more complicated reality. But every map also has its limitations. When we become familiar with one way of understanding the world, we may start using it almost automatically, without considering what it leaves out.
I want to use NVC’s insights when they’re most helpful. If we approach every challenge with the same tool, it may work beautifully in some situations and less well in others. Sometimes another perspective, or a combination of perspectives, might help us see possibilities that remain hidden when we look through the NVC lens alone.
Five Other Maps for Changing Behaviour
If I want to change a behaviour, NVC’s assumption that our actions are strategies to meet our needs can be a valuable guide. Let’s explore what happens when I approach my gaming habits through some other perspectives. When it comes to my computer gaming, I can imagine several powerful alternatives that don’t require me to fully understand the underlying motivations – or needs – behind my actions. Of the countless possible approaches, I’d like to briefly explore five.
Behavioural Regulation – Changing the Rules
Instead of exploring why I play computer games, I could simply establish a rule for myself: For every 30 minutes I spend cleaning my home, I allow myself 30 minutes of gaming. This way, I don’t have to give up something I enjoy or find another activity that offers the same satisfaction. I create a structure that helps me balance gaming with other things I want to accomplish.
This approach uses a simple reward system to influence my behaviour. Whether it works depends partly on how consistently I follow the rule, but it doesn’t require me to understand all the reasons why gaming is so appealing to me. I can experiment with changing what I do without first figuring out why I do it.
Habit Formation – Changing the Environment
My gaming might have become an automatic habit. Whenever I sit down at my computer, I open a game, sometimes without even making a conscious decision. Rather than trying to understand what needs I’m meeting, I could change the environment that triggers this behaviour. I could remove shortcuts to gaming websites, block access during certain hours, or make it slightly more difficult to start playing.
Small changes in my surroundings can make a surprising difference. If playing takes a few extra steps, I have more opportunities to notice what I’m doing and make a conscious choice. Instead of relying entirely on willpower, I make it easier to do what I want and harder to fall into old habits.
Mindfulness – Changing My Relationship to the Impulse
Another possibility is to become more aware of what happens just before I start playing. When I sense the urge to open a game, I could pause and observe the experience. What sensations do I notice in my body? What thoughts arise? What happens if I simply wait a few minutes without acting on the impulse?
Through mindfulness, I might discover that an urge doesn’t necessarily require a response. It can arise, become stronger, and eventually fade away without me doing anything about it. Instead of replacing gaming with another activity, I practise creating space between the impulse and my response.
Identity-Based Change – Becoming Someone Different
I could also approach my gaming habits by exploring how I see myself. Rather than focusing on reducing my gaming time, I might ask what kind of person I want to be. I want to see myself as someone who prioritises learning, creativity, physical activity and meaningful relationships. What would a person with those priorities choose to do with a free hour?
By making small choices that reflect this identity, I can gradually strengthen it. Each time I choose to read, exercise or work on a creative project instead of playing, I reinforce a particular understanding of who I am. The focus shifts from resisting an unwanted behaviour to developing a way of living that better aligns with the person I want to become.
Systems Thinking – Changing the Whole Pattern
Finally, I could look at my gaming as part of a larger system rather than an isolated behaviour. Perhaps I work intensely during the day, feel mentally exhausted in the evening, and turn to computer games because they are easily accessible and immediately rewarding. The time I spend gaming then leaves less room for other activities, which might create stress or dissatisfaction and make gaming even more attractive as an escape.
From a systems perspective, the most effective change might not involve gaming directly. Perhaps I need to reconsider my workload, introduce more breaks during the day, or organise my evenings differently. By changing one part of the larger pattern, I might influence my gaming habits without focusing on the behaviour itself.
Choosing the Right Map
What I find useful about these different approaches is that they all offer ways to change the same behaviour, but direct our attention towards different aspects of it. One focuses on rules, another on habits and environment, a third on awareness, a fourth on identity, and a fifth on the larger system. Each offers a different starting point for changing my behaviour, without requiring me to first identify all the needs behind it.
This brings me back to the distinction between needs and strategies. I still find it a valuable insight for understanding ourselves and creating connection with others. But we may become so accustomed to looking for the needs behind our actions that we overlook other ways to understand and influence our behaviour. Even if we assume every action attempts to meet needs, identifying those needs isn’t always the most helpful strategy. Different approaches can reveal different possibilities, and we don’t have to choose just one.
Instead of relying on a single map, we can use several complementary maps and choose or combine them depending on the situation. I might use needs awareness to understand what makes gaming attractive, mindfulness to notice my impulses, and behavioural strategies to create healthier habits. The challenge isn’t to find the one map that best explains human behaviour, but to remain curious and flexible enough to explore different perspectives and discover what works best in each situation.